Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart by Heather Paulsen is the primary source I will be interacting with. The double entendre in the subtitle hints at all the underpinnings of this teaching.

Personally, I found my teenage and early-twenties pursuit of emotional purity to be despair-provoking. Was I truly committing “emotional fornication” (to use the exact phrase told to me, and to a group of my friends) by being emotionally and, yes, physically attracted to a man outside of marriage?

Remember Joshua Harris’s opening in the bestselling I Kissed Dating Goodbye? It involved a scene in which a bride saw all the former girlfriends of her groom parade before her during the wedding ceremony. In my opinion this is both over-the-top and deliberately emotive. What impressionable teenage girl will be capable of withstanding the impact of this imagery?

How terrifying to think that not only was I wronging my hypothetical future husband (who, according to this teaching, would be heartbroken and grieved to learn of I’d cared for another man), but I was displeasing an angry God.

“Saving yourself for your husband” sounds good. Heaping guilt and condemnation on yourself or others for feeling a natural attraction or being disappointed when the guy you like doesn’t return your affection? Not so good.

I welcome comments and dialogue, particularly as I begin this series. What do you see as the pressing issues related to emotional purity?

Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do.

Make good art…

The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right…

I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work. – Neil Gaiman

This commencement address is worth a listen–several, in fact. If you make art, whether with words, paint, or dance, you will find beauty here.

A few excerpts:

If you have an idea of what you want to make, what you were put here to do, then just go and do that.

And that’s much harder than it sounds and, sometimes in the end, so much easier than you might imagine…

The things I did because I was excited, and wanted to see them exist in reality have never let me down, and I’ve never regretted the time I spent on any of them…

You can also read the transcript here.

I spent my teen years sure I’d have a first-kiss-at-the-wedding, fairy-tale courtship and happily-ever-after marriage with beautiful children. After all, if I am “committed to courtship,” believe that “true love waits,” and say “marriage is ’til death do us part’,” what else is needed? My beliefs will direct my future.

At 23, I married. At 24, my husband divorced me. Life spiraled into a maze of brokenness, a gritty reality many friends and acquaintances found uncomfortable. I fell. I got up again. Broken heart, broken life, broken dreams.

My ideals failed me. The courtship formula did not protect me from devastation. Saving my purity for my husband and being betrayed by him triggered feelings of loss and disillusionment. I felt cheated, like someone who paints a masterpiece only to give it to a friend who shreds it.

If a break-up is a broken bone, divorce is an amputation. How do you recover and return to normal? You don’t. You learn to live life differently. In my opinion, you become a stronger individual. It’s not the most desirable way to gain strength, but for those who must walk this path, it works.

Why would I want to go back to being that idealistic, naive, and self-assured girl? Here is beauty–here is grace. Here is a life of rich colors and vibrant sights which make my heart beat faster. I would never have been capable of loving and appreciating another person so deeply if my world had not been shattered. I would have felt entitled to a perfect life and happiness by following all the rules.

Instead of feeling entitled, I am thankful. Not thankful that I have some perfect love story and happy marriage. But thankful for a place to call home, a son who loves me, and a reason to get up in the morning.

I thought courtship would yield my ideals. But any man-made convention will ultimately fail. Even in outwardly appearing successes there is brokenness. Brokenness and beauty go hand in hand. The one is more than worth the pain of the other.

Courtship, ideals, and living a “good life” do not protect anyone from bad things happening. The teaching of emotional purity often causes great harm (which is a whole series of posts in itself!). Wouldn’t it be better, if need be, to date and reap a broken heart a few times, if in the end you find someone who is good and kind? Could this not possibly be better than marrying the first guy you’ve ever been attracted to, so your heart will be “pure”?

Perhaps the first man you ever loved will be good and kind. Perhaps it will be the third or fourth. Neither occurrence is superior. They should both be valid, respected options. And in courtship they aren’t.

I’m divorced. I’m a single mom. And I have a beautiful life rich in God’s grace. I would not be any more happy or fill-in-any-positive-emotion if I’d never been divorced, never been a single mom, or never seen my world ripped to shreds. I don’t sit around wishing things turned out differently. There are far worse things than a broken heart or a broken body.

Why do we see pain as bad, whether it’s the pain of a broken bone or a broken heart? I fractured my pelvis in 2011 and the pain was excruciating. Even a year and a half later, there is an ache when I walk too much in one day. Yars ago my heart broke, and the pain was excruciating. Even half a decade later, there is an ache when I least expect it. This is not bad.

It’s all about beauty and grace. If you look to the right of this post, you’ll see two quotes, my life mantras as it were. “Beauty will save the world” and “Your grace was not taken.” No one can steal my peace and joy. The grace I walk in is mine alone.

As one of my friends told me, “No man controls my life.” If we put the control of our life in the hands of a man or a formula, we are sure to be disappointed. 

“What went wrong?” People ask me. “What could you have done differently so life will fit your ideals? What went wrong?” I think that is the wrong question. It may be what we want to ask, what we want to accomplish, but it is not the right question. Maybe there is no right question. Certainly there are no answers to the “why’s”.

If there is beauty–and there always is–it is enough for me. I’ll spend my life pursuing it, instead of asking questions.

I welcome your thoughts and comments. I’m just making one small scratch on the surface of this topic.

I’ve got a lot of thoughts, some still in a rough draft form. Below are a few bits to spark the dialogue.

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Wouldn’t it be better, if need be, to date and reap a broken heart a few times, if in the end you find someone who is good and kind? Could this not possibly be better than always going with the first guy you’ve ever liked so your heart will be “pure”?

February means a trip to Denver. For four days I’ll be drinking up the friendship, instruction, inspiration, and opportunities present at
the Christian Writers Guild‘s Writing for the Soul conference.

After serving a two-year Apprenticeship under Sandra Byrd and eventually becoming a Craftsman in the Guild, I was privileged to attend WFTS last year and make a host of connections and friendships. And it all starts in less than 24 hours. I can hardly wait! I’m most looking forward to time with mentor DiAnn Mills, hanging out with critique partners Kariss and Dennis, and  studying under Davis Bunn.

Til next week!

“Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness.”

“This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.”

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

“Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.”

It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we do not know at all that it is the same with others.

If everything is lost, thanks be to God
If I must see it go, watch it go,
Watch it fade away, die
Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
Nothing at all, only a farewell to the wind
Farewell to the gray sky
Goodbye, God be with you evening October skye.
If all is lost, thanks be to God
For He is He, and I, I am only I.
- Dom Julian OSB

- From A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

- Originally published on August 29, 2006

“Praise You in This Storm” ranks up with Natalie Grant’s “Held” as one of the most honest and faith-filled proclamations in the last few years. We all have times we need to be able to fall down and sing this, though it hurts even to take those faltering steps of faith.

Casting Crown’s “Praise You in This Storm”
(Go here for the complete lyrics and story behind the song)

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
And stepped in and saved the day
Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining

I’ll Praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will Praise You in this storm

This song is about choosing to believe despite how we feel. It is about faith tested and proven when nothing looks safe or right. Our circumstances do not change Who our God is. It is so easy to say when the sun shines…but what about when you have been in darkness so long that light itself seems only a dream?

Caption: Myself and Elizabeth enjoying an Alaskan August in Anchorage.

C. S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien on the mysterious glory of friendship…

“Is there any pleasure on earth as great as a circle of friends by a fire?” – from The Letters of C.S. Lewis

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.” – C.S. Lewis, Selected Literary Essays, “Hamlet: The Prince or the Poem”

“You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin–to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours — closer than you can keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends.” – The Fellowship of the Ring

Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If i had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, “sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.” I know I am very fortunate in that respect. – C.S. Lewis

Originally published on July 14, 2006

I first heard about Holt International at a concert in January. Back in 1955 after the Korean war, a couple with six children from Oregon petitioned for an act of Congress to allow them to adopt 8 orphans from Korea. Thus began Holt International, which has now placed over 60,000 orphans into loving families all over the world.

Not everyone can adopt a child, but one thing I can do as a single girl is provide the financial support for an orphan to receive food and medical care while waiting to be adopted. They have the opportunity to be in a loving home environment (foster families) until they are adopted. One of my close friends from Korea was placed by Holt years ago…when I learned this it made their work all the more real–it has changed lives of loved ones.

My little boy is Yue Ling from China. He turned 2 on May 3rd and he is so precious! He does not like dogs, is able to walk on his own now, and has the cutest little nose I’ve ever seen! I may not meet him on this earth, but for now he is mine to pray for and support. I thank God He has given me this opportunity to help “one of the least of these.”

View the children waiting for a sponsor.

Picture: This little boy from East Asia is still waiting for a sponsor and then adoption. You can see him in the Holt photolisting by clicking on the link above.