HeartThoughts – Pursue the Beauty!™
Welcome to HeartThoughts™, a ministry by and for young women pursuing beauty through the darkness. We hope you are blessed by your visit; please help us spread the word!A Full Plate
I have so many partial drafts for this blog. Things I want to share, discuss, explore. However, these days a few other things out of the norm are taking up most of my time. Things like…
- Pack up my thousand-plus books and the rest of the house
- Move to a neighboring city
- Travel to Cozumel, Mexico for our first wedding anniversary
- Host company
- Plan for our reception (if you are on Facebook, message me and I’ll invite you to see the event page)
- Be first-look editor for dad as he writes a book on D.L. Moody for Moody Press
- Write, compile, and revise my new book tentatively titled Behind the Glass Wall
- Continue work on Quest, though the above tasks are stealing most of my energy these days
- And that doesn’t include the more important tasks of being a wife, parent, and homemaker, as well as other regular commitments.
So if I’m not around much the next couple months, thanks for still coming by to visit in awhile. And there will probably be a few posts here and there. We will be back!
For the Beauty
A post in praise and thanks to Him who gives us all good things. In thanks….
For the beauty of romantic passion in the welcome bonds of marriage.
For the beauty of children whose hugs and gleeful “Mama Natalie!” bring traces of warmth to the other side of the glass wall.
For the beauty of puppies and the three-year-old girls who dress them in princess regalia.
For the beauty of girlhood friendship ripened into womanly gracious love.
For the beauty of music soaring and bodies swaying. To the dance! For the beauty of the dance!
Servanthood
Servanthood implies diligence, faithfulness, loyalty, and humility. Servants don’t compete or grandstand or polish their image o r grab the limelight. They know their job, they admit their limitations, and they do what they do quietly and consistently.
Servants cannot control anyone or everything and they shouldn’t try. They cannot change or fix people. They cannot explain many of the great things that happen. Servants cannot meet most people’s expectations. They cannot concern themselves with who gets credit.
Let’s serve in the name of Jesus!
- from Cheryl Nyquist
Life in the Center
Our lives have grown too complex and overcrowded. Even the necessary obligations that we feel we must meet grow overnight, like Jack’s beanstalk, and before we know it we are bowed down with burdens, crushed under committees, strained, breathless, and hurried, panting through a never ending program of appointments. WE are too busy to be good wives to our husbands, good homemakers, good companions of our children, good friends to our friends and the list goes on. We are weary and breathless. Civic duties call our name. Needs abound and good causes are everywhere making us feel guilty. But as we begin to try and be involved in those good causes our dearest and closest ones to us suffer from our lack of attention to them and to those things that in our home we have been called to do as first priority.
We tend to think our great problems are external, environmental. We are not skilled in the inner life where the real roots of our problem lie. For I would suggest that the true explanation of the complexity of our program is an inner one, not an outer one. The outer distractions of our interests reflect an inner lack of integration of our own lives. We are trying to be several selves at once, without all of our selves being organized by a single mastering life within us. We feel honestly the pull of many obligations and try to fulfill them all. And we are unhappy, uneasy, strained, oppressed and fearaful we shall be shallow. For over the margins of life comes a whisper, a faint call, a premonition of richer living that we know we are passing by. Strained by the very mad pace of our daily outer burdens, we are further strained by an inward uneasiness, because we have hints that there is a way of life vastly richer and deeper than all this hurried existsnce, a life of unhurried serenity and peace and power. If only we could slip over into that Center.
The Jewels of Femininity – Conduct of a Lady – Part 2
I am seeking to understand something of the conduct of a lady and how it relates to being distinctly feminine. Towards this purpose I am focusing on three areas of conduct: confidence, assertiveness, and boundaries. This series–and the portions used for the new Quest–is a work in progress. I welcome your thoughts, ideas, and constructive criticism. As always, leave a comment or email me.
See also:
Series introduction
Definition of femininity
Conduct Part One
To be assertive does not mean you are shoving your own opinion into other people’s faces; you are simply stating your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs while still allowing them to make their own choices. One example from my own life has happened several times. James and I had made plans to spend the evening in quality time, relationship-building activities. When another obligation presented itself, James told me about it and asked my opinion. Doing what I thought a dutiful wife should do, I said, “That’s fine.”
James has since learned that a “that’s fine” from me means we need to dig deeper and talk about it. That response is passive, not assertive. Once we’ve talked for a bit I find myself saying, “We had planned on doing such and such and I already planned the weekend around that. I would prefer that we kept to our original plan.” After thanking me for doing what he really needs—which is very different than my preconceptions—James is free to make the final decision having the thoughts from both sides.
Think of a time when you were passive instead of assertive. How could the situation have ended differently?
Note a few ways assertiveness and confidence interact and are essential to each other.
Setting Boundaries
A boundary distinguishes what belongs and does not belong to a person. Boundaries are about personal responsibility and ownership of one’s life. A woman is not taking responsibility for the things God has given her when she does one of two things. First, when she does not take care of the things which are her responsibility, and second, when she takes care of things that are outside her responsibility.
One example of a boundary violation would be my friend Mara who always gave in to her friend’s demands on her time and emotional energy. Every day the friend would email or call or drop by to say hi. Mara would feel guilt if she did not give of herself to this friend—even though her own family needed her. She felt that if she did not give every day until complete exhaustion she had not fulfilled her calling as a wife, mother, and friend.
A feminine woman who does not practice healthy boundaries will be continually drained and unable to serve God to her full potential. Her femininity will be compromised.
List three things that are within your boundary line.
Think of a time when your boundaries were violated. How could you respond to it now?
Consider reading the book “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud.
Holiday Snowflakes
The events and glistening moments of Advent are snowflakes: innumerable, unique, worthy of kneeling to admire. This season brought many beautiful hopes to pass and many unlooked for hopes within reach. Opening a letter from Moody and seeing my father’s name emblazoned at the bottom. Exclaiming over Christmas cards from friends near and far, examining each card to admire the delicate details of papery and photograph.
My brother and his sweetheart engaged themselves to each other a few weeks before Christmas. Her ring is antique, their wedding plans are unique, and their love brings a contented sigh. Another brother settled with his beloved for life…
My Christmas gift from my husband came leaping through the door in a roll of silky soft fluff garnished with a tiny wet nose and a swirl of a tail. I named him Widget and the entire house became enchanted with him immediately. His antics to tease somber Haley, our chocolate lab, into play send us into muffled undignified snorts of laughter. His darling face and snuggles and getting into of mischief keeps me alert. Speaking of which…
I stroked the visas and passport stamps one last time before enclosing my early-twenties passport with paperwork in a stiff white mailer. Both James and I are renewing passports (while I change the name on mine) in preparation for a Valentine’s trip to Central America. Anticipation adds light to the Christmas tree, the calendar, everything.
Holiday ballroom dancing at the largest ballroom in Kansas City was the star on the top of my pre-Christmas tree. James and I enjoyed a dazzling evening of waltz, rumba, swing, and more. In a nod to the formality of dress I played with a new style for my hair, twisting back both sides into a bun while weaving in accent braids from behind each ear.
Merry Christmas from Pursuing the Beauty!
The Jewels of Femininity – Conduct of a Lady – Part 1
In part one of this series on femininity, I am seeking to understand something of the conduct of a lady and how it relates to being distinctly feminine. I am focusing on three areas of conduct: confidence, assertiveness, and boundaries. This series–and the portions used for the new Quest–is a work in progress. I welcome your thoughts, ideas, and constructive criticism. As always, leave a comment or email me.
See also:
Series introduction
Definition of femininity
Confidence
One virtue of the conduct of a lady is her confidence in how she presents herself to the world. Her back is straight, her head is lifted, her step is sure. When she interacts with another her handshake is strong, her gaze is direct, and her voice is appropriate in volume to the occasion.
These kinds of external confidence are not ones based in appearance, accomplishments, social standing, or a stellar resume. However, a deep-rooted internal confidence will appear externally in a number of the ways mentioned above. This doesn’t mean that those visual symbols are the sum of confidence–again, they are only a fruit.
Confidence is a trust and belief in your own worthiness as a person and ability to live as God calls you to live. Confidence is built through a growing relationship with the Lord through which we come to understand our eternal identity. The first step toward confidence is to recognize that “You are worthy.” When you believe that you are worthy of respect then you will have confidence to give others respect. It is also built through hands-on practice and trial and error. We may not feel confidence the first time we meet someone’s eyes while speaking but if we keep practicing we will get better at it.
What are three visible ways you can work on treating others with respect in a confident manner?
Where are you at when asked to ponder “You are worthy”?
Assertiveness
A feminine lady will be assertive because it is caring for both others and herself. To be assertive means that she will not be passive or pushy in her conduct. By respecting others and speaking up about her own needs she is better able to give of herself, whether that be through physical service, prayer, or sharing of her gifts.
An assertive lady expresses her own rights, needs, and desires while preserving the rights of others. This ties into confidence because being assertive means she will also be confident and assured. She listens and learns from others with warmth and concern. Her relationships are respectful and honest because she is not saying what she thinks someone would like to hear or being misleading about her own needs (even for the sake of what she might think is the feminine thing to do).
…part 2 coming in a few days
Jana’s Books
“The 50 Best Ways to Simplify Your Life” was sitting on a bookshelf of a family I babysit for. Loved what I saw at a glance, so I quickly put it on my Paperbackswap.com list! (which, if you haven’t heard of, is one of the best ways to get new reading material!) It’s just what the title describes: packed with a whole host of ways to simplify everything from schedule, family life, relationships, finances, etc.
For the second title, I actually saw the movie “Plain Truth” a year or so ago, and found it intriguing. Picked up a used copy of the book at a library sale for 50 cents and decided to read it. I’ve only read one other title by Jodi Picoult, “My Sister’s Keeper”. Very thought provoking and powerful. Not sure I’d recommend it to everyone, though.
And “The Birth Order Book” was lent to me by another family I babysit for. Nothing fabulous yet.
Revised definition of femininity
I appreciate the feedback I received from readers as I have sought to study femininity. One young lady asked several questions I wanted to attempt to answer after I give the new (but in progress) definition. Please give me your thoughts!
The entire definition is important, not just the first paragraph. This will help answer some of the below questions and helped me refine the entire text.
“Femininity is a character (inner life) and conduct (outer life) which is not complete outside of intimacy with the Creator.
“Some facets of femininity include how we conduct ourselves (confidence, assertiveness, setting boundaries), our appearance (beautiful, modest, stylish), our manners and etiquette (courtesy, politeness, grace), how we interact with men (supportive, protected, responsive), and what we value and pursue (truth, goodness, beauty).” (Ference, Natalie. Quest for the High Places)
1) The definition seems to imply that it would be impossible for an unbelieving woman to be feminine. Do you think this is true?
I appreciate you pointing out where I was not clear in my definition. I think that it is possible for an unbeliever to appear feminine, but if it is not stemming from a relationship in Christ, it lacks the roots true femininity does.
2) If femininity is simply living out the Spirit’s work in our lives, why does it look different from masculinity? I think you touch on that briefly in saying that a woman lives out the responsibility God gave her. But the definition leaves me a little puzzled.
This was a big flaw in my initial definition. I fell into the trap of trying to over-spiritualize things with the result being ambiguity. I hope my revised definition leaves this question a moot point.
3) Does femininity flow out of who we are, as God created us, or from what God has told us to do? Is femininity a matter of identity, or obedience?
I believe that it is both. It is, as I said above, character (who we are) and conduct (what we do). People see the obedience, the actions but unless the root system is true, it will ultimately be forced and empty.
Please give feedback! I’m on this journey with you and welcome help in this project.
Photo copyright Miriam Hart
